Thursday, May 21, 2015

When you question friendships

Friendships are hard, especially as adults.  We think as we get older that they would become easier, or maybe we think as kids they are easy.  I personally think they are harder as adults. I think we tend to overthink more.  As kids we are more free spirited, our feelings still get hurt, but we have this innocence.  As adults we over analyze, we question ourselves and others.  Don't say you don't, because you do.  You may not vocalize it, but deep down inside you do.  This needs to stop!  We are adults for crying out loud!  Hold your head up high, be proud of who you have become.  
Recently, I've felt I've lost some friendships, even some that I thought were just starting.  I've dwelled on this, I've questioned myself about it, thinking, what did I do, did I say something wrong, did I not talk enough, did I talk too much, do I not have enough money to fit in?  Have I cried about these lost  friendships? Yes I have.  One can call me weak, or sensitive, but you know what?  I AM sensitive, and I'm not gonna apologize for it.  Friendships are hard damn it! Especially when you don't know what you may have said or done wrong.  It eats at you.
I've brought back friendships before, that shit is hard.  I did it because I loved that person, I wasn't ready to let go, but are we ever really ready?  How do we know when to stop fighting though?  Does the other person even want to fight for that friendship, or have they moved on?
My question is... Why as adults is it so hard to maintain friendships?  Why can't it be easy like back in elementary.. Will you be my friend?  Circle      Yes      No

I must say... I'm a pretty kickass friend.. I love till the end
Clearly, I can rhyme too!
Oh and Dirty Hair Don't Care
Go enjoy your coffee!

Friday, March 20, 2015

Emotions or Fears?

I was just recently asked what my fears are.  I originally started typing out the usual. 1: the loss of a loved on, but as soon as I typed it I deleted it and messaged my friend telling her I don't really have any fears. I guess my first thing I think of are the "typical" ones like I started off with. But damn, my friends were so much deeper, that's why I deleted mine. Then said friend started reading my blog tonight and messaged me saying and I quote " I just asked you the other day about your fears then you post about it lol". The funny thing is, I didn't even realize what I posted was my "fears". I'm the type that something happens, I handle it then move on. Or I'm just terrible about thinking if it's a fear or not. That's what I messaged back to her. She then said something that made total sense! I think people have more fears than they realize, but it comes out as other emotions. YES! When I think of fears, I think of spiders, house fires, speaking in public. Every time that I have blogged, or most of the time, those show my true inner fears. Can I remember word for word what I wrote as I'm writing this? Nope! But thinking back on some of those, in which I just thought it was my emotion, my feeling at the time, I'm realizing they are legit fears. Fears of the unknown, fears of not knowing what God, the universe have planned for the most important people in my life, my Duders. Fears of not knowing if or when Aiden will have another seizure, fears of are we raising our boys to be the best that they can be, fears of will they find "the" love of their lives? These are both fears and emotions I believe, but fears all the same. So how about we take a step back, try to enjoy life being fear free, because fear can get in the way of so much, and guess what? You're gonna end up missing out on the most wonderful things, and I know you don't want that.
So take off those blinders, push that fear, emotion, whatever you want to call it aside and trudge on.
Kiss your loved ones, tell them how much you love them, because you never know when one of those fears may just come true.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


Do you ever question your purpose in life? Haven't we all at some point? Have you ever had a dream that you just aren't sure where to even begin to get that dream to become a reality?
This.. This right here is where I'm at. Do I have regrets in my life? Absolutely not! I'm in love with where my life is right here right now, but I do question what I questioned above. Will I ever know the answers for sure? Maybe one. I know I need to do some research, but a part of me is scared. Scared of the unknown, scared that I'm gonna call the wrong place, scared I'll trust to easy, scared I'll sound stupid with the questions I'll want to ask.
I'm an over analyzer.
I want to be proud of myself, I want my Duders to be proud of their Mama, I want my family/friends to look at me and say: Damn, she did it!
I often don't feel like the smartest in the room. I sit and wonder what people really think of me. This falls onto me and my self consciousness. Im not as confident as people may think. I only say that because recently  I've been told this by a few people in my life. Maybe it's because I am with a man who loves me for me and let's me express myself the ways that I do.. Tattoos/Red hair and all.
Am I navigating this world being the best ME? I like to believe so, or at least to some extent. I'm still finding Me. I believe we all continue to find ourselves throughout our whole lives. There is so much to learn, so many people to meet that can change us and our opinions on the world. It's growth that I welcome with open arms.
Will we ever really know our purpose? Probably not. So I guess what I can say is: Go out into the world being the best YOU. Open your eyes to all the beauty in this world and try not focusing on all the negative. Listen to the birds songs, sit in the sun and feel the wind on your face, focus on all the colors you see, and smile more.
If you have a dream, go after it!

I know some of the stuff in here may seem random, but it's something that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Stomach in knots.. The first of many to come

March 5/6th 2014
  As I lay here at 1:20 a.m. trying.. trying to go to sleep. I realize I can't. I wonder if Robbie is having the same problem in Aidens room? You see, today/ yesterday March 5 th, Aiden had a Neurologist appt. Just a regular 3 month check up. This one he got an EEG, which we knew he would have to get. He gets those every 6 months. He will also have to get bloodwork, as usual.
  Sitting there chatting with the Dr. about how well Aiden is doing and thinking all is well, but in the back of my mind, also thinking... It's been two years since Aidens last seizure.  The Dr looks up and says " well it's been two years since his last seizure, I would normally have you start to ween him ".  My stomach dropped . I know what you are thinking " Awesome "!  I so want to think and feel this too. I'm sitting there shaking my head in agreement while tears are filling my eyes.  I look over at Robbie and he is shaking his head too.  The Dr. then explains that he will not ween him just yet. Let's just lower his dose. I'm still on the verge of tears at that point.  He explains that Aiden has grown, his brain has grown, he hasn't had a seizure in two years!! I'm trying so so hard to concentrate and really hear what he is saying, but it's so hard. All I'm thinking of is how long, how scary two of his seizures were.
  We decide to drop the dose from 6 ml in the morning and 7 ml at night to 5 ml and 5 ml . IF he has a seizure it will be a mild one he says to us and then we will up his dose to what it was. I told him I'm freaking out as my eyes tear up again. This time there is no stopping them, they slide down my cheeks. He rolls over on his stool and starts explaining again in such a soft tone.  I get it, I understand. Why keep him on medicine and chance ruining his liver if maybe he has grown out of Epilepsy?  It's just so scary because we don't know.
  Tonight was the first dropped dose.
  Will the stomach knots go away? Will the tears stop flowing? Will there ever come a day where I'm/We aren't constantly thinking is Aiden gonna have a seizure?  Will we be there? Will we wake up if he has one sleeping like the other two? Every time we hear something when he is sleeping and we round that corner to his room with a pit in our stomach wondering what we are gonna find.. It's an everyday/every minute thing.   All I want to scream right now is ...I'm F****** Scared "!!!

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Feeling Beautiful/Sexy...every lady should be able to

I am writing this in hopes of getting more ladies to branch out and give it a try.  I just did my second, yes second Boudoir shoot.  My first one I did about seven years ago.  I have gained some weight, but you one what??? That is fine by me!  Who is to say I'm still not just as sexy if not more? Not you, not me. I feel we as women get judged way too much. Are we small enough, are we pretty enough. Well I'm done...I'm done judging myself the most. Would I like to lose some weight, yes, yes I would. Only to be healthy, but to fit into what other people think I should look like...Hell No!
So, I gave my friend Jill a call and we got to it! The very next day actually. We had so much fun! We laughed and froze...Yep I said froze. We had to take advantage of the beautiful untouched snow outside. Well I should say  " I " froze, I was the one half nekkid :-)
Will people judge me for this? Probably, but I didn't do it for them, I did it for me and of course The Hubs.
I think every woman should get to do this at least once, and not feel ashamed of it.
What I want to say to all of you beauties is
Find a reputable photographer and go set up your very own Boudoir shoot, you will have a Blast!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Makes Us Nervous...

September 16th, 2013

We kept Aiden home from school due to him having two Dr.'s appts.  Around 10:30 I get a phone call from Dr. Haseebs office.  This is his Neurologist.  The lady tells me that Dr Haseeb has reviewed Aidens labs that we got drawn on Friday and that his Liver Enzymes are elevated.  She was calling to give me a " Heads up " that the Dr. will probably want to get more labs done in about 2 months.  Oh boy.... you all know how hard a task this is.  He actually did it very good on Friday though.....Thank GOD!  We have an Amazing Lab girl, who we always get a Frosty for her and Aiden after the labs are drawn, that's what ya do when you find someone this Awesome, and Aiden is a Trooper for sure, so he deserves a treat:-) Anywho, back to my point.  I have absolutely no clue what this means when she says they are elevated.  One would think that I would ask her, but I need someone to explain it to me that will actually care that in MY brain...I am FREAKING out!!  My Aunt explained that this means his liver is not doing what it should be, that it is not filtering his blood the way it should be.  I kept myself because Aiden was sitting right there and two...I just had to for a second until I hung up the phone.  I broke down..all that was going through my head was.. " his liver is not working the way it should ", Aiden had fallen asleep before I broke down, but I still went into my room, I just needed to.  I called Robbie because I knew he could calm me, he is Awesome like that.  I probably freaked him before he calmed me though, it's always fun when someone calls you sobbing and you are trying to understand them.  We decided that I should call our Awesome Lab girl " Dina ".  She is one of those women who as soon as you hear her voice you will cry and trust me when I say...I cried. This is a huge compliment, because right off the bat she calms you.  It's her sweetness that makes you cry, because I am talking to someone that to me actually cares.  She explained about how his levels are slightly high, but not to worry because he isn't wanting to get them re-drawn the very next day.  She told me to make sure I ask the Dr. just what this means, which I had planned on doing since the lady who called me gave me nothing else to work on.

I guess I should also tell you about his first appt. with the ENT Dr. and then move on to the rest of the day.  Back in 2011 when he had his first siezure and got an MRI done, they ended up finding something called Cholesterin something...sorry, totally forgot the exact name of it.  Basically it's some fluid like stuff behind his left ear on the inside that we just found out may be left over buildup from an infection from years ago.  We don't ever recall him having any infection. but ok we will go with it.  Our next thing to do is scheduling an MRI with contrast.  We explained to the Dr. that he would HAVE to be put to sleep due to his other medical issues.  Him being put to sleep scares us, but it's really our only option.  If the MRI comes back that this has not grown then it's as simple as we are done, if it has grown then that means surgery :-(  They will then go in and remove it.

Back to the Neurologist appt.
The nurse that we had was not happy that the lady who called me FREAKED me out and she said she was very sorry that it was handled like that.  Dr. Haseeb came in and explained that his liver levels have always been slightly elevated, which we knew, but now he is getting concerned.  He has taken Aiden off CoQ10, which he has been on to keep his heart strong due his Muscular Dystrophy.  Don't Freak, we are simply getting a head start, as of right now his heart is fine, just taking some precautions.  he is concerned that maybe the CoQ10 is keeping it elevated.  We will be getting labs drawn again in 6 weeks.  IF they have not changed, then we will make an appt. to come in and discuss changing his Trileptal to Keppra and having him go to a G.I. Dr. We are praying that we don't have to change his meds because that means we will have to ween him off them first.  That in itself scares the S*** out of us.  So I do something I probably shouldn't have.  I googled Keppra.........THAT scared the S*** out of me and Robbie when I read it to him.  Go ahead and Google Keppra and then Google Trileptal so you can see what I am talking about.  BIG difference in side affects.  We can handle Trileptal ones.  I mentioned to the Dr. that it makes me very nervous to A: ween him off and B: to switch 
He looked at us and said....I would rather him have a seizure, that we can handle, but we can NOT keep him on something that could ruin his liver...point made, Thank you!
This may not seem scary to you, but when it comes to your kids who mean the MOST to you and Dr.'s are talking about organs failing and then you look up meds and their side affects....WOW! it's a lot to take in.
Sorry if I scared anybody, but this Blog is my way of keeping info fresh in my brain, but believe it or not.....It's CRAZY just how much info and detail I keep front and center.  It's not just about my kids, it's all the info with and for regarding my Mama too.
Thank you, Thank you for all of your love and prayers

Monday, May 6, 2013

A New Diagnosis

  I have not written a blog in awhile, so here it goes with some updates on how our Duder Aiden is doing.  This school year is going soo good, we had some concerns but those got taken care of and answered.  Aiden's teacher was pretty excited to re-write his IEP goals.  Being at his old school we now realize and feel that his goals were so far past what his brain could do, much less comprehend.
  Now " Finally " it seems things are falling into place. 
So back in the Fall, well beginning of school year, me and Robbie started discussing more of our thoughts about there being something more going on with Aiden.  What I mean by this is...could there be aspects of Autism or Asbergers in there?  We have always thought about it, but just never really addressed it.  Sensory Integration has a lot of simalarities and that we already knew he has, but is there more to it?  We decided to contact his Dr that did the Pychological testing back in 2010 to see if we could get him tested for Autism/Asbergers.  We went to the first appt and answered A LOT of questions.  Then we had the next appt with the actual Dr., where we had to answer a bunch more questions.  At that appt. she answered our two questions.  He can't have Autism because his social skills are very high, anyone that knows him just knows that he is a social butterfly.  Next he can't have Asbergers simply because he had a speech delay.  Well we learned something.  We all decided that we still want him re-tested to see where he is from the last testing back in 2010, what can it hurt?  Aiden did the testing in record time, the answers may not have been correct, but he cooperated very well and did everything she asked.  She said he is such a delight to be around :) That's our boy!!

  April 3rd 2013.  Me and Robbie have our appt for the test results.  My stomach was in knots, something was telling me the results are different.  We go into her office chat for a bit and then we get down to business.  The first thing she said was about his I.Q. score and that is what we need to talk about first.  Again my heart sunk.  Back in 2010 his I.Q. was 64 which then he could have been diagnosed with Border line Mental Retardation, but because he scored higher in another category, she didn't diagnose him with that.  It ended up being Severe Cognitive Delays.  Since 2010 his I.Q. dropped 11 points.  That puts his I.Q. at 53, " Mental Retardation " that  score is not even on the I.Q. scale.  Severe Cognitive Delay is no longer the diagnosis.  At this I am not gonna lie, I started to cry.  Robbie says that once I start crying  you have lost me, I am no longer paying attention, Thank God for him <3.  Can you even imagine what is going through my head and Robbies at this time, but Robbie is holding tough for the both of us.  She then proceeds to tell us that this will always be his I.Q.  I know this may even be hard for you that are reading this and you are probably thinking " What "?  At 10 years old that is when a childs I.Q. platues.  Even his academic scores dropped.  We then ask her " does this have anything to do with his seizures " ?  She can't say 100% if it does or not simply because she is not a Neurologist, but she did say that with the time line of them and the last test that most likely it is.  How could it not be the reason?  He had 2 major seizures that lasted 25 minutes.  She said that when you have a seizure things shift and that is most likely why his academic scores dropped also.    What we now know is, his I.Q. can't change, but his academic scores can.  Being that we now have him in a program at a new school, with which in that class everything is repetitive is a very good thing.  We have known for years that Aiden's mentality is not exactly his age.  We don't always treat and respond to him as a 10 year old or whatever age he has been at that time.  We have figured him around 6-7 years old, we were slightly wrong.  The testing put him at 5 years old..academic and mentally.  Someone about 2 weeks prior to these results said to me,   " his disabilities only go so far ".  What???  So we asked the Dr.  " how do we explain this to our family and friends "?  We did tell her about that comment, and she said " well I think you guys need to have a family intervention ".  Have we done this you ask, " Nope "  We are at the point in our lives that if people are not gonna respect us as Aiden's parents and listen and respect HIM as a person, then you just don't need to be in our lives.  That may sound harsh, but we are his only parents and we are the ones who will defend him.  Our boys are our whole world.  She also said that the people who may end up being in denial are Grandparents and Parents.  The reason for this is back 50 years ago if you were diagnosed with this most likely you were put in an institute, pretty sad huh.  You were either "Educable" or " Uneducable ".  Things have changed drastically!!  I will take a picture of the sheet that explains the chart and put it in this blog tonight.  We have come to terms with the result, simply because " it is what it is ".  I hope that doesn't sound weird, but we have already been doing everything that we possibly think we can do.  The Dr. even looked at us and said the same thing.  Will Aiden live a full life and get married with kids?  Who knows, would we love that for him?  Hell yes!! Will he live with us forever?  Hey, if so, we are perfectly fine with that, there are typical kids that still live with their parents way into their 20's.  Robbie and I have said, we will always have Hope and this will not define him.  Family and Friends and also Us may just need to reevaluate how we respond to Aiden and just try to remember.....he is his actual age on the Outside, but a few years younger on the inside, in his brain.  So all we ask is that you all Please respect us as his Parents.  Nobody has every answer, we are learning continuously every day that this beautiful child is in our lives.  He is still the Aiden that everyone loves.  Another thing that just warms my heart, is that the most simple things that that make little kids giggle " Still " make him giggle.  That sound will NEVER get old :)