Friday, March 20, 2015

Emotions or Fears?

I was just recently asked what my fears are.  I originally started typing out the usual. 1: the loss of a loved on, but as soon as I typed it I deleted it and messaged my friend telling her I don't really have any fears. I guess my first thing I think of are the "typical" ones like I started off with. But damn, my friends were so much deeper, that's why I deleted mine. Then said friend started reading my blog tonight and messaged me saying and I quote " I just asked you the other day about your fears then you post about it lol". The funny thing is, I didn't even realize what I posted was my "fears". I'm the type that something happens, I handle it then move on. Or I'm just terrible about thinking if it's a fear or not. That's what I messaged back to her. She then said something that made total sense! I think people have more fears than they realize, but it comes out as other emotions. YES! When I think of fears, I think of spiders, house fires, speaking in public. Every time that I have blogged, or most of the time, those show my true inner fears. Can I remember word for word what I wrote as I'm writing this? Nope! But thinking back on some of those, in which I just thought it was my emotion, my feeling at the time, I'm realizing they are legit fears. Fears of the unknown, fears of not knowing what God, the universe have planned for the most important people in my life, my Duders. Fears of not knowing if or when Aiden will have another seizure, fears of are we raising our boys to be the best that they can be, fears of will they find "the" love of their lives? These are both fears and emotions I believe, but fears all the same. So how about we take a step back, try to enjoy life being fear free, because fear can get in the way of so much, and guess what? You're gonna end up missing out on the most wonderful things, and I know you don't want that.
So take off those blinders, push that fear, emotion, whatever you want to call it aside and trudge on.
Kiss your loved ones, tell them how much you love them, because you never know when one of those fears may just come true.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


Do you ever question your purpose in life? Haven't we all at some point? Have you ever had a dream that you just aren't sure where to even begin to get that dream to become a reality?
This.. This right here is where I'm at. Do I have regrets in my life? Absolutely not! I'm in love with where my life is right here right now, but I do question what I questioned above. Will I ever know the answers for sure? Maybe one. I know I need to do some research, but a part of me is scared. Scared of the unknown, scared that I'm gonna call the wrong place, scared I'll trust to easy, scared I'll sound stupid with the questions I'll want to ask.
I'm an over analyzer.
I want to be proud of myself, I want my Duders to be proud of their Mama, I want my family/friends to look at me and say: Damn, she did it!
I often don't feel like the smartest in the room. I sit and wonder what people really think of me. This falls onto me and my self consciousness. Im not as confident as people may think. I only say that because recently  I've been told this by a few people in my life. Maybe it's because I am with a man who loves me for me and let's me express myself the ways that I do.. Tattoos/Red hair and all.
Am I navigating this world being the best ME? I like to believe so, or at least to some extent. I'm still finding Me. I believe we all continue to find ourselves throughout our whole lives. There is so much to learn, so many people to meet that can change us and our opinions on the world. It's growth that I welcome with open arms.
Will we ever really know our purpose? Probably not. So I guess what I can say is: Go out into the world being the best YOU. Open your eyes to all the beauty in this world and try not focusing on all the negative. Listen to the birds songs, sit in the sun and feel the wind on your face, focus on all the colors you see, and smile more.
If you have a dream, go after it!

I know some of the stuff in here may seem random, but it's something that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately.